Gilbert PD Bored as Crime Hits New Lows

As crime in Gilbert hits record all-time lows. Many police officers are looking for ways to fight their boredom at work, and it’s starting to annoy local residents.

All of a sudden, they just started playing dodgeball in the street"

A major intersection outside the San Tan Village on Williams Field and San Tan was temporarily closed as officers blocked the roadways to play dodgeball. “There was like 12 cop cars that all rolled up and just blocked every direction.” said Braxton Zambino. “All of a sudden they just playing dodgeball in the street. My boss almost didn’t believe me when I told him why I was late for work. If I didn’t make a TikTok of it, I probably would’ve lost my job.”

Other shenanigans have also been reported. One valley resident claims an officer gave her a citation for loitering just so their partner could cut in line for Topo. “I just wanted some ice cream from the glowing beaver-thing for my birthday, not a ticket. I can barely afford tuition at ASU, how am I supposed to pay this?!” exclaimed Cara C. Naranjo.

A comment from one officer who requested to remain anonymous stated, “There’s only some many tickets you can write and TikToks to watch in a Dunkin’s parking lot. Sure, we could try to solve the major crimes like murder, but that’s too much work. We let the sherrif’s office handle those cases.”

Interestingly, Congressman George Santos of New York, had this to say about Gilbert’s low crime rate. “I’m really proud for lowering the crime rate as mayor of Gilbert, Arizona the last 20 years.” This quote was gathered unintentionally as the congressman was being questioned about his various lies.